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My life is so confusing at times. I don't really mean to complain sometimes...it just bites holding it all in. I started this online journal a few years ago to truely let it all go,but I just..can't. I ask myself sometimes why exactly do I put myself through the pain? Why didn't I tell someone all the years I had as a minor to finally expose the monster? She's my mom, but we couldn't be farther than we are now. I just wish I knew what I did wrong sometimes. My mother and I can not stand each other. Everyday, it is the same old schtick since I turned at least 13. She wakes me up early, I clean/babysit, go to church, come home, clean more then by the time I'm finished, all I want is to sleep. Then the cycle repeats. She thinks that I care too much about my Fiance, and that I need to devote more time to her when she does nothing more than belittle me, and I just feel so trapped. Nobody seems to see how evil she is. She has this annoying self-righteous attitude that if people aren't in love with her beliefs, then they aren't right. She explodes in a rage if she thinks we don't give her enough, yet she gives us stuff to hold over our (my older siblings of 24 and 31) heads in the end. I normally recieved a small check from an educational program in High School to help us learn how to manage money, my mom always got every last bit of it. I'm not allowed to feel anyhting around her or she gets all crazy and violent. She barely lets me see my fiance, and he misses me to death. I honestly get very irritated with the people who only see what most teens go through:If I could move I would, if she had let me seek employment , I totally would've as a 16 year old. My mom, my sister, her husband , and my brother absolutely have no faith in me. For some odd reason, they didn't think I was smart enough and still do not now, but my grades this year were basically perfect. I feel so trapped. I see all my former peers growing up,living freely, and pursuing a life while she keeps me as a slave. It scares to think that I may be losing my mind, I've already developed "Pure O" OCD and a few other problems. My fiance begs me to leave her, but I don't know how to escape. She manages to get away with hurting people even in plain sight, control other people's kids, and weasel her way into everyone's business. She is definitely a NPD mom, but she has too much control over me and I can't break away. All I want to be is free. I can't be a full time college student and clean her apt. all week, while neglecting my own life and being forced to pity her when she uses religion to bind others and fool many. It just hurts. She says I have a bad attitude because I'm quiet. I can't function around others and it just frustrates me when she screams at me that I'm unappreciative, I never do anything, I look ugly, and I should never have children because I get irritated with my niece, whom she molded to love only her, acts very mean and selfish like her. My fiance, Jeff, was invited by her to stay as long as he needed because his employers laid him off, within 3 months she was kicking him out even though it took him 2 weeks to get a good job, because she wanted to bite my head off over basically nothing and make a scene because Jeff was tired and couldn't shovel two feet of snow from the blizzard out of the walkway. She goes around calling for me like she is my master or something. Even at church. It's ridiculous to have to tell my sis in law to keep her 6 yr old son at home because she beats him mercilessly over menial things, the mom feels helpless, because my mother manipulates everything from pastor to police. The 6 yr is a sweet boy and he is somewhat hyper, his sister (the one I mentioned above) can do anything she wants and only get a swat, she pushes him down, slaps him, has broken stuff over him, and puts him in situations where he even LOOKS guilty when she knows it was his sis or not even him at all. The little ones' dad (my bro) has taken to blaming him and has become just as violent to my sis in law as mom is. At Christmas time, she had me and Jeff bake over 6 dozen cookies and make homemade caramel for 5 hours, then hide the, so her baker friend would give her roasting pans full of even more cookies. Ugh, I can't bear to even have kids with her being around. My sis is even becoming like her as well, she snaps at me for nothing, takes whatever she wants, and can be just as demeaning at times... I wonder if this is normal to the rest of the world, otherwise somebody would've noticed by now.....